Family Reunion

It was really hard to boil down a whole weekend's worth of pictures into just 4 for this blog (if you are my friend on facebook, you can check out more pictures of the weekend on facebook)! The weekend was fun, though I did discover, or more accurately, confirm, that camping isn't my thing. I'm really not such a fan of having to leave the building to go to the bathroom, and it drives me nuts to sleep in a sleeping bag that shifts and move everything I do . . . Anyway, this first picture is of the two sisters walking together. Keeping in mind that this is my step-mom's family: on the left is my great-aunt Viola (who's 81 years old) and my grandma Evaline (who is 78). They are the only surviving siblings of the family.
Me and my step-mom Barbara. This is one of the few pictures I have of me since I was too busy fiddling with the settings of my camera to have anyone take a picture of me :-)
One of the many duck pictures I took over the weekend. At one point around the lake area there were about 20 ducks congregating. The colouring on some of the ducks was really pretty, so I was trying to get the best pictures I could. This particular picture I was really pleased with, so it's my new desktop background picture here on my computer. Yes, for the time being, a duck has displaced my usual picture of Hugh Laurie!
My five other campers! My grandpa, 85 year old Bob Bixby, was the only male in our group. Needless to say, he had to be very careful to knock on the door each morning before coming into our cabin so that he didn't catch anyone changing their clothes! From left to right: Grandpa, Barbara, Grandma, Viola, and Viola's youngest daughter, Kathy. Believe it or not, Grandma and Grandpa actually spent two nights outside in a tent while the rest of us stayed in a camper's cabin. The rest of us shared the relative comfort of a large room that held a queen-sized bed (which Viola and Kathy shared) and a pull-out couch (which Barbara and I shared) and electricity (which only worked part of the time). Although I didn't necessarily enjoy the whole camping aspect of the trip, I did enjoy seeing family and hearing all the old stories!

Technology rocks!

Thanks to the wonders of modern technology (gmail chat), I just talked to the future! Actually, I was talking to Jenn online and since she's in Japan, it's Sunday morning there right now ;-) They are doing well and enjoying their trip a lot so far. It was so nice to talk to her and hear about how things are going! It's been harder than I thought it would be having the majority of my family out of the country right now! Jenn and Lance are just at the start of their trip, but my mom and stepdad will be home on Monday some time. Actually, I'm not really sure exactly when on Monday they'll be home, so I assume the earliest I'll get to talk to them is Tuesday afternoon/evening.

Well, better go, my dinner is waiting!

Holy Cow!

I think it just struck me now that my mom and stepdad are not just across the river in Burnaby, but actually in a whole other part of the world! They flew to Germany yesterday and won't be back until May 12th. For the first 10 or so days in May, all of my closest family will be out of the country as Jenn and Lance will be in Japan! It kind of boggles the mind . . .

Jenn if you're reading this . . . SHOES!! One of my students was wearing a totally cute pair of shoes today that her mom sent her from Japan. I'm just saying . . .


**For anyone who is reading this and is suddenly struck with the inspirational thought "I should totally buy Kim a pair of shoes because she is so awesome, my shoe size is ladies 10. Sometimes I have to wear a 10 wide though . . . **

A Big Thank-You

As you can imagine, the last week has been a difficult one. I spent Tuesday just sitting at home watching tv and trying to make sense of everything. My sister spent the day with my stepmom helping to get things organized for my dad's memorial service on Saturday. On Wednesday we were both with her, helping out and running errands. It helped to stay busy. Thursday was my last day off work. I went out for a while and tried to keep my mind off things to see if I could regain some "normalacy" in preparation for returning to work. It worked . . . mostly. Getting a sympathy card in the mail and seeing my dad's obituary was tough. Tougher than I thought it would be. Anyway, I returned to work on Friday and everyone was very sweet and supportive. My students, at least my morning students, had signed a card for me (I suspect they had help with their English as, even though they are high level students, the English in the card was word perfect). One of the students had also gotten a separate card for me, just from her. It was very, very touching. One of my coworkers gave me a card too. Everyone else told me how sorry they were and how happy they were to have me back. It's nice to know how loved I am! Anyway, I went out to a housewarming/candle party on Friday night. I wanted to be with friends. It was fun and it was nice for a couple of hours to feel "normal" again.

Saturday was the memorial service for my dad. It was nice to see how many people turned up. My grandparents came up from Oregon. My dad's old business partner came and spoke, as did some old family friends. My sister delivered the eulogy and she did a wonderful job. Her words captured my dad's life and spirit far better than the ones I attempted to write, so I'm glad I opted out of reading my letter to my dad. We received a lot of cards and flowers, so part of my afternoon was spent writing thank you cards to send to people.

I feel pretty okay now. I will always miss my dad, but because of the nature of his disease (Alzheimer's), I feel like I've been missing him for several years already. I am very glad that he's now in a place where he's not a prisoner of his mind anymore. My dad died relatively young (he was barely 65) and was in good health otherwise. Watching him waste away was so difficult. I am glad that I got to spend extra time with him in his last week. I don't wish that kind of life on anyone!

Sig Feuchter 1943 - 2008

Sig Feuchter, February 22, 1943 - March 10, 2008

My dad passed away on the evening of Monday, March 10th, 2008. He was 65 years old. Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease six years ago. Around the same time, he was was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma . . . cancer. That started what turned into a six year journey of watching the Alzheimer's eat away at the man who was my father. He was a good, strong man, but the disease turned him into a mere shell of what he was. Cancer, the disease that everyone fears, seemed like the "easy" part of the battle, though I know that I can probably only say that because I wasn't there on a day-to-day basis. This journey has been difficult for everone involved - my sister, my step-mom Barbara, my step-sister Roisin, and myself. Although I am very, very sad that my dad has gone, I do take some comfort in knowing that he's gone to a better place where he isn't suffering anymore and where he can be himself again. I love you dad! God bless you and may you rest in peace!

Um, yeah. I'm not having a very good year so far.

*Warning* This is NOT a happy or uplifting post in any way. If you don't want to get bummed out, stop reading here!

So I haven't been feeling too great lately. I've been crampier than usual and have been experiencing more than my fair share of back ache associated with the cramps. Normally I wouldn't be overly concerned as my period is usually fairly wonky, but since I was getting some strange coloured urine sometimes too (think tea coloured, and sometimes bloody), I was actually fairly concerned. After googling my symptoms (always a bit dangerous, and definitely NOT a good idea if you have a tendency to be a hypochondriac), I figured I might have a urinary tract infection. I ended up going to the doctor last Saturday. The doctor asked me about my symptoms and had me give a urine sample. He suspects I have a small kidney stone. Most of the time I feel fine and my urine is a normal yellow colour. Occasionally though my urine still looks funny and I get crampy and achey. Right now we're just keeping an eye on things (and I'm trying not to freak myself out when people who have had kidney stones and children tell me that passing a kidney stone is more painful than child birth! Personally I think these people should be telling pregnant women these things to make them feel better, but whatever!). Interestingly enough, the doctor that I saw at the clinic was my next-door neighbour about twenty years ago. He asked after the family, including my dad, who used to be his mechanic. Which leads me to . . .

My dad is dying. He's been in the hospital for years now (well, various hospitals and care facilities), but yesterday my step-mom called my sister and I to let us know that the doctors and nurses caring for him felt that his "departure was imminent." So yeah. Not fun. We went and spent the day with him, which was good. He didn't look too bad, all things considering. He's not eating anymore though, so I guess it really is just a matter of time. With my step-mom we talked about stuff like the funeral plans. What I am dreading most right now is the phone call telling me that it's over. How will I cope if I get the call at work? What will I do if the phone rings at 2 o'clock in the morning and wakes me up? I think my mind is focusing on this in order to have to focus on anything else. Surprisingly I had a fairly normal day today. I did have to tell a few people at work what was going on and it was okay. I was able to do it without crying, so that's something I guess. Some friends on facebook sent me messages too, so that was nice. For now I'm just trying to be very organized at work so that if I do have to leave suddenly, or I can't go in the next day, my sub has something for that day. The other couple of days I don't particularly care too much about. Now I'm going to try and find a particular picture of my dad that my step-mom would like to use for the memorial service. So if I'm not posting for a while, at least you know why.

Sunday Summary

It's only Sunday morning so there isn't much to summarize yet, but I know what I will be doing today, so I thought I'd talk about that. First let me tell you about my knee . . . it's healing a little bit every day. I'm able to walk on it more and more, but I get tired more easily because my walk still isn't 100% back to where it was. So in my quest to go back to living my regular life yesterday, I went out with my best friend for lunch and then we did a bit of shopping (not a lot because a lot of standing around makes my knee hurt, and because it didn't take us long to find what we were looking for anyway). In the afternoon I stayed home and watched a couple of DVDs (Take the Lead with Antonio Banderas and Shall We Dance? with Richard Gere).

Today I will be going with my sister and brother-in-law to Maple Ridge to visit my dad for his birthday. His birthday isn't actually until Thursday the 22nd, but since that's the middle of the week, it's not practical for us to go then. We're also going to celebrate Chinese New Year by having Chinese food for lunch. I haven't had Chinese food for a while, so that should be good. Tonight is the season premiere of The Amazing Race so I'm looking forward to watching that too.

My Dad

For some reason I feel compelled to write this post tonight. I don't talk much about my dad since it's difficult to talk about his current circumstances. You see, my dad isn't the same man I knew as I was growing up. He lives in a hospital now, suffering from Alzheimer's disease. As part of the disease, he doesn't really talk anymore and doesn't walk either. I don't think he recognizes me when I visit either, so it's hard to make those visits.

Anyway, usually I confine my thinking about my dad to early in the mornings when I'm walking to work. It's a quiet time when I can be alone with my thoughts. Since I walk to work in the morning, the fresh air and exercise reminds me that I can't dwell on any thoughts for too long as I only have a twenty minute walk. Usually I feel like it's the only time I can really allow myself to feel what I'm feeling. I try not to let my emotions show too much with my friends or other family members. I don't really know why. I feel like I have to carry this burden myself and be strong for others. My mom and dad divorced a long time ago, and even though my mom probably would understand a little bit of how I feel (her own mother had Alzheimer's disease), it's different for her since she lived in a completely different country from her mother and didn't see the daily/weekly/monthly progression of the disease. I guess I also think that it's not fair to make my mom listen to the feelings I have about a man she divorced and doesn't love anymore? After all, she is remarried now. I don't often share my thoughts with my sister either. She has her husband now to share her feelings with, and I kinda feel like I don't belong in that family group anymore. I definitely don't feel like I can share my feelings with my stepmother because she already assumes so much of the burden of taking care of my dad. She visits him daily and helps to feed him and attends his care conferences. I don't want to add to her burden by sharing how I feel. My friends know about my dad, but I can't talk to them about my feelings either since I hate to show any kind of weakness or strong emotions in front of them. I usually take the role of "caretaker" and advice giver in my circle of friends and it's hard to picture myself taking the opposite role.

Anyway, today during my third class my students were listening to a song by Beyonce called "Listen". The song kinda reminds me of some of Whitmey Houston's songs, and that made me think of the movie "The Preacher's Wife". Then I remembered that when I went to see that movie with a friend, my dad was in the same theatre watching the movie too and we ran into each other on the way out! It was such a random, chance meeting and it was really special since we only got to see our dad on weekends after my parents got divorced.

I thought of my dad again during my lunch break as another teacher and I were talking about our skiing experiences and I remarked that both my parents enjoyed skiing when they were younger. That reminded me of a picture I have of a ski trip we took one year to Big White. My sister and I are on a tobaggon with my dad. He looks so young - he has hair! It's brown. He even has facial hair. (ALTHOUGH YOU WOULDN'T HAVE NOTICED THE ABSENCE, BLOGGERS, I'VE HAD TO STEP AWAY FROM MY COMPUTER FOR 15 MINUTES AS I WAS CRYING TOO HARD TO CONTINUE TYPING. I THINK I'LL BE OKAY TO CONTINUE NOW.) Now I'm remembering that one Christmas Eve, before my dad married my stepmom, we had Christmas Eve dinner at my dad's place. He lived in a converted "apartment" above the mechanic's shop he owned (it wasn't zoned to be an apartment, so it was very cold and made of concrete). We had fondue and went to Church. We decorated his place with candy canes. I also remember my dad taking me to Star Trek conventions, including two in Seattle! I remember being in a campground with my parents when I was really young and my dad taking me by the hand and walking me to the bathroom. I came out of the girl's washroom and turned in the wrong direction and got lost. I remember my dad and sister going out skiing and walking the Sun Run together one year. I wish I had gone too. My parent's came to my grad dinner dance and I got to dance with my dad . . .

You know Bindi Irwin, that cute little daughter of the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin? Ever since he died, I can't watch little Bindi on tv. Every time I see her, I just cry. It's like that with the Amanda Bynes/Colin Firth movie "What a Girl Wants" too. Each time Amanda Bynes's character Daphne talks about not being able to dance the traditional father-daughter dance at her wedding, I think about how I'm never going to be able to do that either. It makes me cry every time. Then, at the end of the movie, when (for those of you who haven't seen it, I won't spoil it for you) we discover the happy ending, I cry even harder 'cause that's not going to be me.

I hate this disease! I hate that I'll never be able to walk down the aisle at my wedding on my father's arm. I hate that I'll never be able to dance with my dad. I hate that he won't be able to hold his future grandchildren in his arms. I FUCKING HATE IT! It's so bloody unfair! I know the politically correct thing to say is something along the lines of "I just count my blessings that I had a good father growing up. I'm so much luckier than all those people who didn't have a father, or who had abusive fathers." Even though that's true, that's not how I feel! I want my father back! I feel like Alzheimer's disease is a long, long, long period of mourning for the death of a person you used to know. At least when a person dies you can mourn and then get on with your life. With Alzheimer's disease, the person you love is gone, but their body is still there. Honestly, it's like living in purgatory.

Back Home Again

I'm back from Maple Ridge! Taking the bus turned out to be very easy. It seemed to take a long time, but that was mostly due to the wait at Braid Station - I was 25 minutes early for the bus! Anyway, I listened to my tunes most of the way and my MP3 player worked extremely well.

When I got to Maple Ridge I got to see my stepmom's photos of her trip (along with my stepsis) to Nova Scotia to visit my stepbrother Sean and his wife Holly. They got some great pictures! I also found out that my stepsister has a new, serious boyfriend, which is great. After looking at the pictures we went out for lunch at ABC - Yummmm. Afterwards we decided to stop at London Drugs to look at picture frames. We couldn't find any we liked there, so we went to Zellers and each bought a few frames (I need some to hang my degrees, and I want to FINALLY hang some family photos around my apartment).

After shopping, we went to the hospital to see my dad. He has a private room in the new building and it's really nice! Lots of wood and muted colours. Each room has a "memory box" outside - a locked wooden cabinet with a glass door and three glass shelves for families to put mementos and stuff in. My stepmom wants to put some of my dad's prettiest beer steins in the box, which I think will look really nice. The room inside is a little plain right now, but Barbara and I decided where to hang some photos and stuff, so soon it should have a little more personality. We stayed and fed Dad his dinner, then we left and Barbara drove me home. All in all it was a good visit. Jennifer and her husband are going next Sunday. Hopefully the pictures will be up by then and there'll be a plant in the room.

I didn't even think about it until we were halfway home, but while I was in Maple Ridge I should have stopped to buy some of the delicious lox that my stepmom gets at the German butcher. But we came to an agreement in the car that she would stop during the week and buy me some and send it home with Jennifer next week. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. The only slight wrinkle in the plan is that Jennifer HATES fish, so I don't think she'll be overly thrilled to have to take it home with her and then possibly bring it to work with her one day in the middle of the week in order for me to pick it up from her. Jennifer, you'd be the best sister in the world if you helped me out with this!

Going to Maple Ridge

In about 15 minutes I'm going to walk out my door and head to the skytrain station to begin my skytrain/bus journey to Maple Ridge. I'm going to go visit my dad and stepmom. My dad lives in Maple Ridge hospital due to his Alzheimer's disease. He recently got moved to his new room, which I will get to see today.

Yesterday I went to Future Shop and "impulsively" bought an MP3 Player. I say impulsively because I just up and decided to make my purchase yesterday, but in actuality I've been looking into making this purchase for weeks now. I'm really looking forward to having some music to listen to on my long bus ride today, and to having some music to listen to on my walk to and from work each day!

Now I'd better get moving, I have a skytrain to catch! If I have time I'll post later and let you know how the visit went!